Published: 03/24/2015 - Updated: 12/29/2017
Author: MSc. Miriam Reyes
“He treats me bad, but I love him”, “He doesn’t listen to me anymore, but I still want to be with him”, “She cheated on me, but I need her”…”He did some not-nice things to me, but I miss him”…”Why do I want to be with someone that doesn’t love me?” Why can’t I forget my ex?
A lot of times, people can feel rejection, disapproval, or the painful indifference of someone that was once a partner and that gave us companionship, appreciation, admiration, etc. And you don’t understand now why things took a much different path than what you had dreamed of or wanted to experience. Suddenly your partner stops loving you, admiring you, or is just no longer excited to be with you. He/she decided to leave, to move away, or to separate, for whatever reason whether valid or not. The point is, they’re just not there anymore.
Heal your Heart
If this is your situation and you’re suffering from your ex, you need to think about a few things that could heal your heart.
For example: the pain you feel is because that person that is so special to you, has not chosen you. You were not their chosen person, you weren’t the person they dreamed about being with, and that hurts more than anything else. The ego is the part in you that feels important, valuable, and worthy, but on the other hand, it also has its insecurities and respective doubts. So when someone rejects you, what hurts isn’t necessarily your rejection, but the multitude of doubts that exist within you regarding whether you are truly valuable, if you do well enough, that you are a great man or woman. And when someone suddenly pulls away and shows you that you weren’t the “great person” that you thought you were, those ghosts wake up inside you.
Another thing that makes you miss your partner is the she or he, in some way, woke up certain feelings that were asleep or turned off inside you, and when you got to know that person, you started to re-live those feelings.
For example: if there wasn’t much fun in your life, and someone comes along and makes you laugh, you’ll miss it once they’ve gone. If your life was lacking freshness, adventure, understanding, direction, light, companionship, etc., and that person gave it to your life, then that is what you will miss when they go.
The answer? Learn to give yourself what you most missed from your ex. You might think that this seems like a cold and boring task, and at first it might seem that way. But you know that you won’t achieve a truly deep and lasting relationship until you have learned to give yourself what you ask another to give you, because then you will be dependent on others to fill your voids and emptiness, that are actually yours to fill.
So what if my partner only gave me bad experiences and treated me poorly? Why do I miss her?
Because you’re used to being someone’s victim. Did you know that you have a strong addiction to being someone’s victim? Being a victim means that you withstand, you tolerate, you bear everything that you didn’t like about someone because in some way, it made you feel something that you were used to: pain and limitation. If you are your ex’s victim, you need to be strong and willed to leave the conditions that you don’t like, and to break away from the habit of putting up with things. You don’t need to let in things that you don’t like, and if it hurts you that your partner is inconsiderate, unloving, or abusive with you, it’s because you allow it. You need to learn to love yourself more, to not depend on these situations. One way of doing so is to not criticize the person you are and to focus on what you truly want in life.
MORE IN THE JOY OF WELLNESSDopamine: Pleasure, Addictions and Emotional culture (Part one)
Revised by: Dra. Loredana Lunadei on 12/29/2017
About the author