Adopting a Child: How to Face the Difficult Situations

There area lot of reasons that a couple might choose to adopt a child.  In most cases, the partner chooses due to infertility, but there are other reasons for adopting a child, like raising an orphan child.  Or, a lot of times people get married to their partner that already has children, and they end up adopting their partner’s children.

Parents of adopted children

A child that doesn’t come from “your blood line” could pose a few problems for people that are very attached to the concepts of biological heredity, etc.  However, if you remove the ideas around biological heredity, a couple that adopts a child could truly feel fulfilled and resigned to this paternal and maternal role.  Parents that adopt are truly enthusiastic with the idea of being parents, and they give just as much effort and compromise as biological parents.

Adopting a child could be a truly nourishing experience, and it could have certain beneficial angles for the child.  For example, the adoptive parents generally are enthusiastic about the idea of raising and accompanying a child, while some biological parents (either the mother or the father) aren’t always that excited.  They sometimes see bringing that child into the world was a problem or a “mistake”.  This feeling doesn’t mean it’s “bad”, it just means that some biological parents aren’t prepared for motherhood or fatherhood, or quite simply, they don’t want to be parents, it’s not in their life plans.  Even though a lot of people adapt to and even end up loving their children, not all parents can wrap their heads around this responsibility.

A lot of biological parents simply aren’t prepared to make the compromises with a child, which is why it’s sometimes better to find other options.  One of those options is to find parents that are looking to have children, but can’t.  This could be very beneficial for both parties, because this decision ensures that the children enter a home that will offer them love, affect and life compromises.  This makes the parents happy that can’t conceive, and it could even save the parents from guilt, that, for whatever the reason, don’t want to raise children.

The adopted child

If you adopt a child it is important that you are always as honest as possible with them.  Children have the ability to adapt emotionally to anything you tell them, it all depends on how you tell them.  If you feel guilty, or like there’s something “wrong” with it, you will transmit this to them.  You need to start by recognizing that the adopted child is just one of the many forms of family around, and transmit it to them in this way.  If the child asks why they aren’t with their biological mother or father, it is important that you tell them the truth, explaining it to them on a level they can understand.  For example, it’s good to use images that they can recognize, like a puppy.  The child will understand how to love a dog, so you can explain to them that if they were to get a beautiful puppy, but they couldn’t take care of it for whatever reason, then the loving thing to do would be to find some place that the puppy could have the best life.  You need to make them see that it isn’t anything “bad”, but just that they were looking for who would best love him.

When an adopted child asks a lot of questions, or if they feel anger towards the adopted parents for not being their “real parents”, it’s important that you never let yourself feel intimidated.  Respond as sincerely as possible, make the child see that he can express  his doubts, but that the people around him are the ones that have raised him and stood beside him.  Always make it clear that what is important is how close you are and who is there for you.

It’s important that when you adopt a child, you keep in mind that he/she could have cognitive tendencies and characteristics that are very different to the adoptive parents, especially if the child is already a bit older.  You should understand the emotions that take place when adopting a child.  One might not understand completely and could sometimes feel frustration, but this is all part of the growth and learning process, for both the children and the parents.

Revised by: Dra. Loredana Lunadei on 08/29/2018

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