Published: 09/10/2014 - Updated: 05/18/2018
Author: MSc. Miriam Reyes
Do you feel offended by, or resentful towards someone? You don’t even want to see a photo of them? Feeling angry or even hatred towards someone, isn’t something that is good or bad, to tell the truth. Emotions are just a way to react to experiences that happen. You can choose in every moment how to react towards someone or something, and that choice has a lot to do with how we see life.
However, constantly feeling hatred, rage, or to remember things that caused you pain and/or cause pain through a series of negative reactions and tensions in your body, over time can accumulate in your muscles, joints, veins, etc. This causes, over time, an endless list of diseases and discomforts of all kinds.
In reality, letting go of anger and pain has a very clear and concrete key: let go of expectations. Moving away from, or dissolving, resentments in your heart is to stop imagining perfect people. You don’t need to pray, or ask yourself every morning why they treat you, or treated you, in such an inconsiderate, unfriendly, or unloving way. Stop expecting things from other people. Stop idealizing them. And then you will see how you begin to enjoy your life in a much freer way.
When you stop expecting things from other people, and you renounce these ideals that society makes up feel “should be”, like how family should be “this way or that” in order to function well, or that a couple should have certain details and attitudes about what is appropriate, or that your friends should “behave certain ways”, etc. If you do this, you will have won the first step.
It is generally taught that things should be a certain way, or that they should behave under a certain law. We frequently carry in our minds a large amount of concepts and ways of interpreting things, be it love, life, or what a father should be, a good relationship, etc. We are waiting or searching, every day, for life to fit the perfect family, the perfect partner, an ideal world, etc. And when we don’t find it this way, we get frustrated, and then comes the pain and the suffering the more we insist. These expectations prevent us a lot of times, from enjoying people as they are. We lose the richness of what they could simply provide us, or share with us, or teach us, because we are waiting for that person to be who we want. We don’t accept them as they are, we demand from them, we’re waiting for them to do or be what they should.
If you want to stop suffering from pain or sadness, anger or rage at someone who is no longer around, or with someone that you have frequent contact with, you must stop expecting that others give, do, or say what you want them to give, do, or say. That is to deny someone their freedom to do and say what they want, what is born truthfully. How unloving would it be for someone to tell us to do something when we don’t want to, just because we feel obligated to, or because they told us to!
The action that arrives spontaneously from the heart is the most valuable of all. We should get used to the sincerity in people, and accept them as they are. Do not take their actions personally. If their actions hurt you, then you must leave. You are not obligated to share what you don’t want, nor to feel pain, but you can’t hate the person for being who they are. They didn’t do anything to you, it is not them who causes your pain, it is your insistence of wanting them to respond how you want them to, to make you happy.
If you believe that someone doesn’t give, or didn’t give, you enough love, comprehension, time, caring, etc., you need to also understand that no one can give you what they don’t already have. If you feel that someone you love has treated, or treats, you poorly, this is because that person lack sufficient love to share it, or give it. If they had it, they would have given it to you, or they will give it to you. A lot of times people are confused, they feel alone, they don’t know what to do about what they feel, and they flee, or act indifferent, they yell and fight. But what can you do? The only thing you can do it, instead of continuing to hate them, or filling yourself with rage, fill yourself with even more love, so that you can stop the vicious circles of anger. And stop feeding it with your attitude, thoughts, and words. Then, if you want, you can help whoever else needs to grow. And if you don’t want to, well, you can go search for what you want. No one can limit or deny you our happiness; only your concepts or ideas about something or someone.
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What you are responsible for is dreaming about what you want, in your own way, and about how to create your life. You are not responsible for dreaming for others. Feeling that someone owes you something is an idea that won’t get you anywhere constructive. Do not condition or play control game, or manipulate other at your convenience to be how you want them to, because then you will suffer when other don’t want to play your game.
Beginning to let things be it to learn to leave others free. As you continue focusing on what you want and your dreams, and you dedicate yourself to fulfilling your life as you wish, you will see that little by little, the anger will disappear. Because you will no longer depend on others to feel good. You will know that each person has a right to experience the complexities of life in their own multiple labyrinths. And the happier you are, the more you will find people by your side to share fuller relationships and experiences.
Revised by: Dra. Loredana Lunadei on 05/18/2018
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