Published: 12/05/2014 - Updated: 12/31/2017
Author: MSc. Miriam Reyes
Do you believe it’s possible to live in harmony with your partner for the rest of your life? Does it hypothetical at these times to maintain deep and pleasant intimacy? Do you really want to be happy with someone for a long time?
A lot of divorces, breakups, anger, fights, betrayals, violence, and other uncomfortable and unpleasant situations occur everyday between partners. We all want our relationships to be full of magic, wonder, and even new teachings that make us grow and mature towards new experiences. We don’t always achieve this, perhaps because no one really taught us how to love, maybe you were taught to endure, to follow, to not say what you want or to be dominant, submissive, cold, etc.
Love is a word that, to greater or lesser extent, we all apply to our relationships when something really interests us. However, maybe one of the things that you need to learn in this world is to discover what loving means, and there is not better way than to use your partner to understand and discover love; a word that could have truly magical depths if you learn a little bit every day and find it. Each day go deeper into it to come out soaked in its strength and to be able to share it with whom you love. And one facet of love is communication.
Communication and expectations
One of the primary causes of distancing or coldness between two people is because generally we expect the other person to make us happy or we expect them to be a certain way. If what you are truly searching for in your partner is happiness, depending on the other to make you feel “good” or fulfilled will turn out to be not very nourishing for the relationship. If you honestly observe the reason that you get angry at your partner, or why you broke up or why you felt angered by their actions, etc., it’s because they didn’t live up to your expectations.
Expecting from the other and chastising them or distancing yourself from them because they didn’t live up to it, or they didn’t give you something, or act as they “should” have, is a great error. All this does is corrode, it creates a sense of dissatisfaction, of being unloved, etc. You also aren’t accepting your partner as he/she is. We often say of think things like: “I was waiting for you to say…” “I thought you were going to…” “It’s not fair to me when you…” “Why didn’t you tell me that…” And the list of expectations could be very long. Expecting things from the other creates complaints, criticism, and a series of situations that separate the two people.
A true relationship bases itself or is constructed on good communication, which should be continually cultivated, without forgetting that your partner has his/her own weaknesses, insecurities, etc. Communication is very important in a relationship to be able to come to agreements, to understand one another and to get to know each other better. Criticism is one of the least loving, powerful, and effective weapons around. We’ve all seen how at the end of the day, criticism only makes things heavier and more tangled.
We’re not saying that communication needs to be a bed of roses and that you need to be sweet all the time. No. But communication should keep in mind full acceptance of whomever you love, their weaknesses and unique character, as well as sincerity and the intention to reach an agreement.
Criticism, anger and annoyances
If you have some sort of complaint of criticism, before saying it to your partner, first think it to yourself. Take a look at what is causing so much anger and if you’re trying to control, dominate, or make your partner be a certain way. You should always keep in mind that your anger and annoyances are your responsibility, and if something about the other makes you angry, you first need to resolve it within yourself because the ego is very connected to the things that make us angry. You need to remember that you can’t make the other change his/her attitudes, but you can change yourself and thereby influence the other.
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For example: if you think your partner is being indifferent, unconscious, irresponsible, crude, etc., you could talk to him/her about it and tell them clearly and sincerely, but not trying to change them. Rather, try to see their reasons and get to know what they think or why they do it. If your partner refuses to talk or acts defensive, giving excuses or criticism, then its your responsibility to analyze why you’re in a relationship like that and what is it that keeps you close to someone that treats you that way. A lot of times, our partners reflect our weaknesses, like our lack of communication with ourselves, the way in which we speak poorly or indifferently to ourselves, the way we treat ourselves with demands and lack of considerations. If you don’t observe yourself through the other and learn to grow and mature in your weaknesses, then nothing outside will grow. If you interior does now flower, noting outside will be able to. And your partner is one of the people in which you can most find yourself.
Open spaces of confidence
Open acceptance of your partner is one of the first steps to opening and maintaining confidence. When we judge or make early judgments about him/her, this causes discomfort and distance. It’s best to listen openly to what he/she suggests; make an effort to truly listen to them, become their best friends, chat without feeling like your partner is your property or a robot that should do, feel, or say certain things. A truly alive relationship is one that has confidence and communication, which allows us to accept differences that could exist between the two. With this attitude of understanding and open acceptance, you could inspire your partner to change or to consider new alternatives to living together. Not because you are trying to dominate them, by commanding them or because they “owe you something”, but because firstly, you set the example of knowing how to listen, communicate, and become intimate, and secondly, because you truly love without expecting anything to change. This is one of the biggest demonstrations of love, and is one of the most difficult to carry out: give without expecting.
Revised by: Dra. Loredana Lunadei on 12/31/2017
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